Bring on the Boundaries!

Are you a Yes person? Overcommit yourself to too many things? Feel like you don’t have any time for what really matters? Need more time for you and the things that Recharge you?

If you’re short on time - scroll down for my top 10 ways to help do boundaries better for anyone like me who is a PEOPLE PLEASER/ YES PERSON/ FOMO FREAK. Otherwise kick back and read on.

It seems to have become way too automatic that when people ask us how we are going, we respond with an answer like - “Oh I’m soooo busy” or “so hectic” or “I’m really overwhelmed with everything I have going on!”

It’s almost replaced the “good thanks” as a thoughtless response for a lot of us. It feels like if we don’t say we are “busy” then we aren’t trying hard enough or aren’t keeping up. On the flip side - maybe this response is sometimes a call for help that is just being ignored because it’s just a “thing people say”, we are “all busy” and trying to keep our head above water so don’t acknowledge or assist. Either way - it’s not ideal - far too many of us live overscheduled lives - doing too much for others and not enough of the things that really matter for ourselves or those we love the most.

Is this really how we want to feel? Overwhelmed, stressed, burntout? Rushing around and not being present with or giving time to those we care about? So many special connections and moments of life that we could be missing as we constantly run from one thing to the next. Opportunities for a more meaningful and fulfilled life getting by-passed as we continually jam our schedules and time with things that perhaps actually aren’t that significant , that aren’t moving us towards the kind of life we want to have or the person we want to be. Although COVID has had an awful affect across the world for in so many ways over the last year, it has also allowed (or forced) people to slow down, reflect and enjoy some quieter times. I’ve heard a lot of people admitting that this was one aspect of the changes they liked - the pace of not having to be anywhere or everywhere, that perhaps they don’t want to be living that “busy” & cluttered lifestyle after all.

When we are doing so many things, how many of them are we really doing that well? Fact is - If you juggle too many balls you are going to drop some! And let’s be honest - we can’t really avoid the juggle, it’s part of life! The question we all need to ask ourselves is what are we letting fall in our juggling act? Are we keeping an eye on to the important things and making time to catch them? Or are we ignoring what really matters and just scurrying to catch what everyone else is throwing at us?

So much “stuff” is drawing our attention to the external, cluttering our minds and wearing us down - and after all that giving and doing for everyone else, we usually don’t have anything left for ourselves. As a flow on effect from our lack of time and space - we tend not to behave or react at our best towards those we care about most. I am totally guilty of this more than I would like to admit - my beautiful, forgiving family has felt the impact of an exhausted and “time-poor” Wife, Mum & Daughter too many times. However, I have done alot of work on my emotional wellbeing in recent years, most significantly on two major stressors of mine - time management and boundaries. Although I still have my moments of freaking out on occasions (I’m far from perfect), I now have an awareness of why and how I can manage my time better. As a result the burnout crazy mumma / bitchy wife / impatient daughter moments are far fewer and repaired faster!

TOP 10 THINGS THAT HAVE HELPED THIS PEOPLE PLEASER/ YES PERSON/ FOMO FREAK WITH BOUNDARIES :

1. Simply pausing to think - “If I say Yes to this, then what am I saying No to?”. So so powerful - and a great one to prioritise what is really important to YOU! Super helpful in those FOMO moments where its really hard to say no. This has been my favourite and successful boundary tool in the last year or so.

2. Learning it is actually okay to say No. . At first I found this super hard, so a middle step was to pause and say something like “that sounds great but I’ll check and let you know later if I can make it”. This gives me the chance to actually assess whether I could add that into my schedule without the week being too busy or ending up causing me alot of anxiety and organisation time too.

3. A better perspective on expectations and judgements (of both others and my own). Knowing I can’t physically or mentally keep up with being everything to everyone and I can’t be everywhere. It doesn’t matter as much as I think it does - it doesn’t mean I’m hopeless or a terrible friend or not good enough! Turns out the person who is most worried or disappointed about me not helping or attending is actually me! So, I breathe, forgive myself for letting my insecurities and people pleasing tendencies kick in and let the FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) go!

4. Using Google calendar (and sharing google calendars with partner) - this has saved more than a few conflicts! We’ve dropped all those “I told you I had this on weeks ago” conversations when things double up. It may sound kind of wierd and controlling to some - but I assure you it isn’t like that for us at all! It’s been such a helpful negotiating and organising system in our house to lessen the chaos & resentment! Bonus - we actually can block time each week for us to hang out too which is something that often got abandoned previously. Most importantly - this is a really great visual for managing your time and ensuring you are giving yourself the hours you need for what it really important to you!

5. A little bit of something is better than nothing - adjusting my mindset from the “All or nothing” thoughts that were controlling my actions - or lack of action! This can be applied to many different areas - exercise (15min HIIT anybody?), study, time with kids (see next point) and more. Doing little amounts adds up, and if you want any hope of actually finishing anything on that damn to-do list, then spending 5mins towards it will get you that bit closer than you were before. Not exactly a boundary - but kind of related in that in those times where you have alot on your schedule you can still achieve a little bit of something, and won’t feel like you’re just handing all your time over and not getting anywhere yourself!

6. Being present in the moment usually repays you time later - if you give your full attention to what you are doing during that time, it will generally save you time and have your time be more productive later. Example - if I spend half an hour really present and attentive with the kids, they will be happy to do their own thing later and let me have time to do what I need to do (mostly). This means less distractions so the task won’t actually take me as long. Set boundaries on yourself with distractions, give your kids (and partner) the quality time they deserve, and it may setup a sort of subconcious boundary that they will respect your time more (age dependant of course).

7. Accessibility - how often are you checking emails? Do you reply to messages straight away? Have messenger alerts on? Never let a call go to voicemail? Setting up boundaries around when you are available is a really effective way of respecting your own time and needs. By turning off notifications, checking and responding to emails and messages within certain times of the day that suit you (preferably not first thing) a huge pressure gets taken off your mind and eases your time management.

8. Less screen and scrolling time - okay so I still haven’t totally mastered this one! But I am gettting better. I have setup the time limits on apps, and yes I still ignore the alert saying my time is up too often - but it at least reminds me that I should cut down and maybe put it away sooner than I otherwise would have. Again this is more of a self-boundary, but scrolling is still a huge way to be giving away your time to others on the “scroll hole”, and we all know what a waste that can be! Also on this - unfollow and unsubscribe from people and emails that don’t add value to your life! You don’t have to unfriend them, but it just unclutters the feed / inbox so you can focus on what is actually useful/ of interest for you.

9. Sunday “Shuffle & Scrap” time for weekly calendar - every Sunday evening I do a look through my google calendar to see if it’s too overcrowded and is going to send me into a craze! I try not to delete my self-care activities, but shuffle them depending on work shifts, kids activities etc, but delete or delay things that aren’t as essential. We can only stretch ourselves so far, as much as it pains me and my FOMO, sometimes I just have to pass on the things that aren’t moving me towards my goals or aren’t on my priorities in this phase of my life. Trust me - I really really want to do it all - but saying no doesn’t mean I don’t love my friends or family or want to see them. And yes I really do want to volunteer for the school, soccer club, charity, etc …. contribution is a huge and value of mine, and I love helping out with these things when I can - that is all really important to me! But I have had to learn to let some of that go. And the visual of the calendar really helps me see when I’ve said yes to others too often and let it go (that song really helps when struggling with boundaries btw!)

10. Trello - boundaries on your “to-do list” - Trello is an amazing electronic checklist/ board type system that was introduced to me by my coaching team a few months ago (yes I hear I’m way behind the times on this one) and wow it has changed my life! If you feel like you have a never-ending lists of things that you are never getting to - this system is awesome for bumping things along and seeing what you can achieve in small pockets of time. Sunday nights I also do the “shuffle and scrap” on trello along with my calendar to see what tasks I think I can actually fit in and get done by moving from the list for the year, to month or week or day. By dividing the tasks up onto the boards like this, I can be more realistic on what I can get done, so reduce the disappointment & hopeless feelings of the scribbled paper lists stacking up for months! Also great to just quickly add something i have thought I need to do onto the capture list so less to think about or remember! (Brain boundaries - having less weighing on your mind!).

I hope this has given you some ideas that may help you with those feelings of overwhelm and “busy-ness”. Boundaries are so important for your own self care - I really recommend taking time to figure out what is truly important to you and how you want to be spending your time to feel recharged, live the kind of life you desire and be the best version of you.

To book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH SESSION - a first step to assessing how you are aligning with what truly matters to you and start to get you back on track with some helpful tools & strategies - Click here.

If you’d like further support around these issues - The Recharge You 12 week coaching program dives deep into working on boundaries, management of time and energy, expectations, fears of judgement and more.

To be sent a program info kit email: alicia@therechargedlife.com.au